*Hearts Frozen Solid, Thawed Once More By The Spring Of Rage, Despair And Hopelessness* (Unfinished)

There was something about the feel of the atmosphere that day, a feel somewhat poetic. Flurries of white fell silently on the frozen earth, not disturbing a single thing just falling in its entire graceful splendor. Something about that sort of atmosphere, sitting there, cold and alone, it made me think. It made me think why something with so much beauty; so much elegance is often neglected and unappreciated. I have always adored it, the winter; something about it always seemed to capture the very essence of remote feelings and in a sense provided concealment and salvation from those feelings. Ah winter, the season of numbness and utter detachment. The season that created the type of atmosphere where if you were in the right place at the right time one could feel ultimately lost from all civilization and all forms of life. Even the forms of a few animals might make one hesitant about the current state of time and what we have come to know as reality. The surreal ness of it all, one can get lost in it and the glory of it is, one could get lost in it and never come back without thinking twice about it. Just that one feeling, that feeling of being lost can get you somewhere so fast and yet, it feels so inviting. Taunting even, daring one to take the snow covered path and to become lost in it, to revel in it. But still, a few human traits manage to pass through making one question that inviting solace. I have pondered this often yet I still do possess the answers to these icy quandaries. For they do seem inviting, those elements of escape, silence, nothingness. More or less that is taking the easy way out, for the beauty of winter is as so because of that challenge if you will. That question that it presents, what is real? It’s ok to sit and admire the winter scenery, to contemplate ones state of being during that time but to act on those thoughts. The actions that are the result of those thoughts shall surely engulf one self and give new meaning to detachment and feeling lost.Now I was not a man to become enveloped into such feelings but to wander in them well, that was another story entirely. I was a wanderer by nature always getting myself lost but I preferred it that way. Makes things more interesting for one self to not know then to know exactly where you are going. It’s that element of unpredictability that really gets me going. One might say I get a rush from it and that is exactly what I sought. That rush, that thrill I wanted adventure god damn it and that’s what I set out for that afternoon. I never really cared for the in-door lifestyle, being compacted in an empty room never appealed to me. No, Id rather find myself upon a vast area of pine with fluttering flakes of snow wielding their glamour upon the world, a secluded area away from the rest of civilization with only primitive forms of wildlife to feed my never ending hunger for atmosphere. There were soft plumes of glistening glory endlessly roaming about the landscape, with not a house in sight. All signs of civilization completely masked from the naked eye. I could lose myself in it; revel in the endless infinity of sweet nothingness. With that I became swamped in solace and fell towards the earth for a sweet embrace. I laid there with feelings of being content and at peace with myself and all was right in the world, in my own little world, my own winter wonderland, well, almost.As I stared at the flurry ridden skyline twisting long, curly tendrils of hair I pondered, “What was I missing?” Well the truth was deep down I already knew that answer to that question. However not wanting to feed into my current mindset I just pushed that back into the crevices of my mind, like I always did. Always suppressing emotion, yes that’s what Ville always does. Does it make me wicked to bottle up my emotions and keep my desires hidden from others? Is it selfish or am I just not capable of showing such signs of affection? I got up then letting a long suppressed sigh escape from my lips. My breath was visible by the increasingly decreasing temperature, I watched as it floated away into the distance. Deciding to take the long way home I waltzed my way through my newfound haven. With every step taken an endless realm of trees and winter glamour were no longer to be seen and were slowly disappearing into the distance. Another heavy sigh exuded my small frame. This was going to be another long night, one of those nights, a night of insomnia and heartache for something I did not even have nor could identify. At the stroke of midnight I finally entered my domicile with a sense of relief and loathing. It was a nice apartment granted, it was more than nice but things like that never caught my attention. Quite frankly I could care less; the kind of beauty that I appreciated could not be manufactured or put in a box. A spiral staircase awaited me upon entering the main section of my humble hovel. The place was horrendous and in such a messy state that I found it rather hard to reach that staircase. My apartment was becoming a real ramshackle thanks to my disassociated ways of living. My sudden need for me to be cradled by mattress had me rather shaken. Just minutes before I could have sworn that I could have gone for hours on end walking around that wondrous scenery. But I guess it was not going to be one of those nights after all, not like I was hooked on bad caffeine or anything though. Now that would really induce insomnia on me. I shook my head of all those thoughts and trudged up the stairs, down the hallway and then entered the doorway that lead to my room. I kicked off my highly worn footwear and plopped down onto my mattress which my body was most grateful for receiving the embrace of. For the third time that day a sigh escaped my haggard form but this time it was a sigh of relief.The sun rudely crept through the windowpanes the next morning causing me to stir. I was blinded by light. Straightening up I collected myself and began to replay the previous day’s actions in my mind. I was going to go back there today, and be able to sink into that sweet solace once more. It brought a joyous smile to my face just thinking about it. Funny, things like that could make me happy yet I was such a miserable son of a fuck most of the time. Coming back to reality I gathered my thoughts and had arisen from my chambers. I then proceeded to face the monster awaiting me downstairs, my horrendous kitchen which was just as filthy if not more then all the other rooms put together. So the search begins the search for sustenance. A slightly expired box of waffles proved to be salvation; oh how I could hear the choir singing. After devouring my ‘slightly’ expired waffles I decided it was time for wardrobe detail. Questing through my various garments I was able to uncover a black sweater and some leather slacks, black of course. Peeling away the garments from the day before tossing them about the room and then putting on what I had uncovered from my closet. I searched about for my worn footwear and found they were where I had left them the night before. After running a swift hand through my hair hastily I managed to find a lone eyeliner pencil and quickly outlined my lids. Funny I never really cared for makeup, in fact most people thought me a fruit for applying such a thing then again they probably thought me a fruit to begin with. One last glance in the mirror and Ville’s ‘ensemble’ was complete. Perhaps not ‘houte couture’ in some eyes but to me it had a class of its own. My feet hit the pavement as I exited my home turning around quickly to lock the door. After locking up I hit the pavement again however this time more graceful. Heading towards my small seclusion of wonder I made my way through the many various types of trees until I was nearly five minutes away from the clearing. As I drew nearer I began to hum a soft tune it was so peaceful out there out in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of nothing, just me and the snow. Finally I reached my destination but something wasn’t right, something was out of place and that’s when it hit me. My place for solace was currently being occupied, I stopped cold.I just stood there taking in the current situation and trying to make sense of it. Here I thought I had finally found something monumental, immortal in a sense and yet someone just as easily comes by and taints it. No I won’t be having this at all. This was something pure, untouchable, holy, and sacred. However as I zoned in on what was occurring before be realization hit me. The form before me appeared to be a girl crouching on the ground trying to coax a young lagamorph into coming closer. Anger quickly drained from me as I was moved by the act. Clearly, anyone who can appreciate such forms of nature are not ones to judge so hastily. But this act indeed made him curious, curious he was and in more ways than one. An idea sprang to life in his head, crouching down under the assorted shrubbery he inched closer. The closer he got the more confused he became and the more his curiosity was fed. The girl appeared to be dressed entirely in white and had scandalously long solid black hair. Pressing on he waited until he was within exact proximity of the rabbit carelessly forgetting the situation and childishly pounced. The girl then let out a yelp of surprise terrifying the rabbit as it scurried away into the underbrush. All breath seemed to have left my lungs when I shamelessly lifted my head upwards. I desperately wanted to say something but her beauty had me rendered speechless. Curves like snowdrifts, porcelain skin that glowed as if at the very apex of death, soul piercing orbs the softest shade of brown with just the right hint of green. And my eyes were drinking in all of this perfection, making me drunk with emotion. The more I stared the more my face turned a deeper shade of red until my cheeks were crimson burning with envy and longing.Gazing down into the most captivating eyes ever to lay eyes upon, orbs of brilliant emerald green met my own and held that gaze with such intensity that I suddenly felt myself being overcome with unexplainable passion I never knew I had. Deathly pale and frighteningly fragile looking with a wild mane of unruly auburn curls, heart shaped lips and decked from head to toe in the darkest of shades a truly stunning face timidly fiercely blushing to the comparison of the sweetest wine. That was the precious little lost looking soul eyes glazed with ….. admiration that had my tongue in knots. With every passing second it felt as if time had frozen over and that no matter what move was made it would all be in vein. A foolish thing to think, however I would be quite content with those circumstances if it meant to continue admiring the man that lay sprawled in front of me. I grew weary however; he looked as if he might have hypothermia due to all the blood rushing to his pale visage. How much time had passed minutes, hours, and years even? No that was silly to think but no amount of time or for lack of a better word could describe what was happening now between us. Slowly I came back to my senses, out of the complex realms of my highly overactive imagination and with my very being treasured what was just as intensely trying to treasure mine. Cautiously I slightly bent forward and placed a warm hand on his frozen face. He jumped startled as did I. His expression shifted as he saw that I was just as frightened and surprisingly placed an icy hand over mine but the warmth that radiated from it even though figuratively, held far more than literal warmth could possess.He collapsed then. Effortlessly fell towards the frozen earth without a sound, a smile plastered across his face that showed no hint of discontent but of nothing but pure bliss. “Shit” she mumbled. What is one to do when a man double the average height collapses in a deserted enclosure due to hypothermia? I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t know how to do it either but what I did know was that nothing was going to come between me and this man. I went to his side to check his pulse and breathing, luckily that all seemed to be functional. I stared at his face then; it was a visage that looked as if it were chiseled out of marble by the angels. But the hallelujah chorus was not singing. Cautiously, I allowed my finger tips to brush against that tender flesh and let them linger there to caress the jaw line of that visage, lovingly, adoring the creature beside me. I pulled away then. The flesh upon oh beautiful one’s face was chilled to a perfection that even father winter couldn’t even muster. I had to act and I had to act quickly.There I was, in broad daylight, with a man twice my size draped across my shoulders, walking down the cold and narrow streets of New York. People must of thought me mad for doing such a thing but once again I didn’t care, what I did care about was the man that I was carrying on my back throughout the town. It was funny really, no one offered me help or anything, and no one paid any heed to the debacle that I was experiencing right now. As I trudged onward I heard shallow breathing close behind me. I had to find a doctor or something and fast, “well at least he is breathing”, she thought. Only what seemed like a couple more painful steps and then my back gave out as I entered the doorway of a local clinic.I can't honestly say that I have ever been in love; infatuated? Definitely, attracted? Absolutely, drawn? Utterly ... in love? I have yet to find out. I’m pretty sure that what I felt back there was close to it though….love that is. I don’t think I have ever been so captivated by someone before, someone who intrigues me so greatly, and intrigue me she does. Never have I wanted so much to be consumed by that fiery glow that emanates off of passionate romantics yearning for one another, those souls on fire feeling what we have come to know as love. But things like that was always….messy, as were all forms of relationships with people were. Well, as they were to me anyway; my twisted perception on humanity and it’s interior motives usually getting the better of me. But what if I didn’t let it get a hold of me this time, what if this was genuine emotion; emotion so genuine that it could not possibly be replaced by any living creature on the face of this earth? Pfft talk about making assumptions. I woke up then, overcome by bleak white scenery as far as the eye could see and a sterile atmosphere. That always bothered me about medical aesthetics, how everything always had such an absence of color and everything had such a cold, unfeeling, inhuman environment. It wasn’t exactly a welcoming environment at all. As I was taking in my surroundings I noticed an IV in my arm and that my skin pigment had dropped ten times under; I looked fresh out of the morgue, almost blue even. If it weren’t for the fact that I was in a warm building I probably would not be seeing the sudden but miniscule color rising in my flesh now. I let a much repressed sigh exude from my body, what was I thinking? Well I wasn’t thinking really heh, all I could think, see, feel, and want was her. Realization hit me then. What had happened to her? Where had she gone? And how did I get here?I felt an all knowing knot in my stomach start to churn. I looked beside me then and there she lay, all in white, just as she was when I had first laid eyes on her. Funny, I guess the hospital staff thought that since she was already wearing white to be rather convenient. Long, dark tresses cascaded down her small form, she had several various machines and such affixed to her as well although I could not gather why. “Why don’t you take a picture, it’ll last longer”, I felt my face heat up and turned in the direction of that bitter comment. “Well it appears you have risen from the dead, now we just have to wait for Morticia here to spring back to life.” I chuckled at her bad humor and sour attempts to insult. At first I felt a little disheartened to hear that sort of talk spoke of me and more importantly, someone who though I did not know, cared deeply for. But then I thought of the drudgery induced lifestyle one has to go through to be in such a profession and felt satisfied that I was not the only one suffering here. I smirked at her devilishly and said, “Oh weren’t you aware? Corpses can only be brought back to life my true loves first kiss!” “You’re a sick fuck”, was her reply. “So I’m told” I retorted. She skittered off muttering “how perverse” under her breath. I found that most amusing. “Hey, wait a minute.” I lunged for her arm, paying no heed to the attachments affixed to me. She stopped in her tracks. “Can you tell me…what’s wrong with her?” I pointed to the lil beauty draped in white beside me. She just stared at me blankly as if I were a fool, like I was supposed to know something here. Something detrimental and essential to her existence at the same time but it just couldn’t quite be placed; I wanted to know what it was. The feeling in the room right then was cold; Deadpan. It looked as if there might have been a hint of compassion in those eyes that only a couple of minutes before hand had spoke so ill of her. Soon those emotions dissipated and she left the room, without saying a word. White doors closed on those thoughts then; we were alone.